October 5, 2013
A few nights ago, I was texting one of my best friends from America, Chrissy. Chrissy and I know each other inside and out. We were roommates in college for three years and have grown even closer since we graduated. Chrissy is currently on staff with Cru, a college campus ministry. To this day, we continue to keep in touch with each other’s lives, pray for one another in our different ministries, and encourage one another through the seasons of life.
Chrissy and I had a texting conversation for about 20 minutes. Through that time we talked about random things- mutual friends, ministry in our different locations, a guy she’s dating, and prayer requests. After my bedtime approached and tiredness set in, I ended our conversation and just started thinking.
If I was in America, this conversation wouldn’t have to stop… because we would be in the same time zone. We could text any time, all the time. Out of all people in this world, Chrissy and my parents know me the best. At times, I just longed to have a dear friend in my presence. That night was one of them.
I thought about all the deep talks that we had in our previous years together, and I missed those. I missed my best friend. I missed being around someone who knew me inside and out. Yes, I’ve talked to her multiple times through Skype, email, and international texting apps, but it’s still different than actually being together physically. Talking through video chat from around the world doesn’t allow for conversations to get as deep. You can only see so much of someone’s emotions and facial expressions through a computer screen. Also, when internet becomes choppy, the video part goes off and hearing a friend’s voice is the only connection we have. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for Internet. I’m not sure if I could be this far away from my loved ones without ways to communicate through the web. Still, all relationships are different when the only time you visibly see them is through a 2D computer screen.
I laid in bed that night with tears welling up in my eyes. I missed my best friend. Sure, I’m making friends here and relationships are deepening, but no one knows me like Chrissy does. It’s been 7 years of life that we’ve gone through together- through joys, deaths, pains, and transitions. Nothing can replace that friendship and sisterhood I have with her. I wrote this email to her the next day:
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After I stopped texting and laid in bed, I got sad. I was sad because I’m not around to hear about this guy you’re dating. I was sad because we couldn’t just have a late night chat about deep things. I seriously miss those. I was sad because the person that knows me best in thousands of miles away. Yes, I’m making friends, but they obviously don’t know me like you do!
That’s the first time I felt that way. I miss solid friends who know me inside and out. My eyes watered and I pulled out the books you wrote notes in to me before I left for China. I laid in bed and prayed for you, tears in my eyes, and I just kept thinking of that story, “This is the Cost”. It’s hard. I’m really starting to learn what this sacrifice looks like. I’ve never experienced “The Cost” when I’ve been here for just three months.
But, it’s the cost of truly following Jesus and desiring a strong relationship with Him above all else. I fell asleep with the assurance that:
Yes, Dad has called me here.
Yes, I miss you and others that know me so well.
Yes, I know why I’m here and that there is purpose behind it.
Yes, this is hard, and will remain tough at times.
Yes, Dad knows what He’s doing and He is faithful and good.
So, there’s a bit of me sharing my heart. I miss you so much!
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All my relationships with my family and friends in America have changed. Inevitably, they will remain permanently changed and will continue to change this year in China goes on. It’s life. It’s the cost of leaving what I know and love for something greater, something better, something He has called me to.
And still, here I am, missing home but confident in my purpose here. These costs are felt in a real way, but the encounters I’m experiencing with Jesus are far worth counting the costs. He’s taught me so much already in the 6 weeks I’ve been here. I’m eager to see what else is in store!
Yes, costs will remain. They always will. But the power of the cross is worth any cost. It’s a cost that I’m committed to carry.
stories from China 